It's been almost two weeks since my last post regarding the miscarriage. Thank you to everyone who wrote a comment on my last post. I kept it up for a couple of days, but it was hard to keep it up. I am reconsidering putting it back up. I document everything (or at least try to) in the good, bad and ugly of our TTC journey.
While I have been better about dealing with it (Unless I'm alone, or in bed trying to sleep) it's a constant in my mind. I've heard every single one of the phrases that you're NOT supposed to say to a woman who has miscarried.
Anyway...I started last year writing Friday Letters, and I'm hoping that today I can do it again(Good thing today is a Waterproof Mascara day)
* Dear Jason,
You are my rock, my better half, my soulmate and my baby daddy. You have been so amazing, in holding me while I sob, while I have been walking around in a zombie state, and When I'm not even there. When I told you that I needed to go to the ER, you didn't hesitate. You got dressed and we went. You sat there holding my hand while I anticipated the news and you were just there. You've listened every time that you say you don't want to talk about it, and you've let me yell when I feel like it. I hate that we're going through this, but I'm incredibly thankful that I have you to go through it with. Thank you for stepping up where I have been slacking--House cleaning, cooking and laundry. Baby, you're absolutely amazing
*taken on my birthday
I can't even begin to thank you for all that you've done. I didn't expect you to come to the hospital and to sit there and hold my hand while we waited for our news. I thank you for being there even though you weren't supposed to be driving yet (from your own surgery that was done a week prior) I don't think that I could have gone through that experience without you there to support Jason and I. We both thank you for the words you shared, the experience you shared and the distraction that you provided.
And to everyone else:
Thank you for words of comfort, hugs and persistence to get me out of the house, to try to make me smile, and try to get back to my old self once again. I promise I'm really trying to get back to the sarcastic, snarky girl that I know and love.
I'm hoping that this will be my last post on this experience. Like I said above, I'm really trying to get back to myself. And while I know it's going to take longer than 2 weeks, I'm really trying to make an effort to find a common ground where I feel comfortable again.
We will try again. I'm scared to death of trying again, but we will. I'm doing a lot of research and trying to get healthier again. The one thing that I didn't mention in my last post, we got pregnant without the assistance of Clomid this round. I had forgotten to go to the pharmacy to pick it up and figured we'd just take the month off. Of course when I had my labs done, I ovulated and it was the highest amount of progesterone to date.
I am certain that there was something wrong. When I took another test on the Friday before the miscarriage the test was still saying 1-2 weeks. I should have been 6 weeks so it should have been in the 2-3 week range. I get my final round of labs done tomorrow, and we should get the go ahead to start trying again. Please continue to keep Jason and I in your prayers, thoughts, and send any love, light and positivity our way. Easter was when we were planning on telling our families, so keep us close in thoughts this weekend, we plan to spend the day alone together binge watching some tv :)
I'll start this post with last Friday...the 28th of March and exactly 20 days after my 35th birthday. I was officially a week late, my mom had surgery the day prior and as I glanced at the pregnancy test that was a faint positive, I didn't believe it. I quickly sent a picture of the test to Jason and to my friend Katie. And was told to go grab another test. I went to Walmart grabbed another test, got pulled over on the way home, and then finally once I was home took the test. I cried, I prayed. I thanked God for finally after a year of trying to bless Jason and I with a child.
To say it was hard to keep this to myself was probably the hardest thing ever.
The next day we told our parents.
Jason was probably the most excited and while I was cautiously happy, I was scared for my life. After going through a horrible miscarriage in 2001, I was scared. No I was terrified.
The week went by and I think I told a handful of people. I was cautious. But I was at the point that I was too excited to keep it to myself.
So fast forward to Saturday (yesterday) Jason and I had a lot of errands to run. And after I had finally gotten an amazing night of sleep, I felt amazing in the morning. I had been eating right, drinking a ton of water and just taking it easy. I didn't drink as much water as I should have yesterday. We came home unloaded all of our groceries of healthy eats and I started laundry. Started cleaning up and felt a little off. I started cramping a little and just took it easy. I laid down and I felt better. I slept. I woke up and still felt ok. Except for when I got up, I felt something so I got dressed and walked into the kitchen asking Jason to take me to the ER. Today made 6 weeks. 6 weeks with my lil nugget. And after the initial tests, I knew already what the result was. I knew that the baby was gone. Between having my mom and Jason there I'm pretty sure I fell apart a couple times, but the entire time there was a blur. I remember the way the ultrasound tech looked at me as I fell apart when she told me that it didn't look good. My mom left, the dr came and did tell us to follow up with my OB. I didn't wait for discharge papers, I simply got dressed and left. After 7 hours of sitting there waiting for answers and dr's and nurses to come back in I was just done. I don't know why, I don't know what I did wrong but I know that tomorrow's appointment to follow up will be the hardest. I do know that I have a large cyst on my right ovary, they didn't think that had anything to do with it, however, I'm certain that it's from the massive amount of fertility drugs that I was on. My first prenatal appt wasn't supposed to be until 4/25. I'm heartbroken to think that I have to go into that office tomorrow to have our news confirmed.
This isn't the post that I was planning announcing our pregnancy. We had planned on announcing the pregnancy to my family on Easter. I planned on so much happiness and joy to welcome our baby. This baby was loved by us so much in just the week that we knew that we were pregnant.
All I can do is hold on to faith and hope by even the slightest chance that one day Jason and I will actually get to become parents.
1. I finally posted about our infertility battle. It's heartbreaking everyday, and it seems like more and more I see people posting that they're pregnant. I currently have 7 friends pregnant...heartbreaking. I'm extremely happy for them (Please don't take that wrong!) I was just hoping that we would be in there with you!
2. My birthday is happening in less than 2 weeks! I can't believe that I'm going to be 35! The hubs is throwing me a bowling bash! And I'm pretty excited about that!
3. I'm trying to cut back on my coffee consumption! One cup so far today, I call that progress!
4. They are calling for snow again this week! I'm so over the snow!
5. Work is starting to pick back up...Slowly but surely. Thank goodness!
6. I'm so beyond ready for some warm weather! I want flip flops and some awesome day trips
7. My parents are in the process of moving so that means I've gotten some pretty awesome hand me down clothes in the past couple of weeks! I love that I'm in the smaller sizes now and can totally steal some of my mom's clothes!
8. I have a love (Newly found again) for Dark Chocolate. It seems the darker the better.
9. I'm absolutely obsessed with painting my nails. It's all very girly girl. Which totally isn't me.
10. Stress is at an all time high, hoping that I can find a resolution for it soon!