This is my first official post where I'm writing openly about our "Trying to Conceive" journey. I honestly thought that getting pregnant would come a lot easier when you're almost 200 pounds lighter and all of the doctors in the past said that was my issue. Yeah, it's not so easy. If you're in the TTC game you know all about the above acronyms.
OPK=Ovulation prediction kit (I start my morning off using these)
HPT=Home pregnancy test (I went through 5 of them last month because I was 5 days late)
BFN=Big FAT Negative(What I received on those 5 HPT's)
RE=Reproductive Endocronolgist (Who I'm going to see on Friday)
So there you have it. These terms are all things that I see on a daily basis, in multiple support groups for women who are TTC, or on Instagram, or friends that I've made along the way.
Anyway, those 4 things are pretty much nightly discussions in our house when Jason and I are talking. "Are you ovulating yet?" is often asked before "how was your day?" and the answer is sometimes yes and sometimes no. It's hard. We've been doing this since March. And while I know that it's not as long as others, it is still just as hard. I was officially a year post-op in May, and was given the all clear in March to go ahead and begin the trying process. I'm healthy, I'm watching my weight, I lost the 20 lbs that my OB/GYN wanted me to lose. But still nothing
I never pictured myself being 35 and childless. (I'll be 35 in 7 months) And yesterday I completely lost it. I broke. Being in this position is effecting my mood, my friendships and overall how I act. I try not to let other's success stories bother me. I try to join in on other's happiness. I helped throw a huge baby shower for one of my best friends when she was pregnant, only to wish secretly that it was me pregnant at the time.
I held the most beautiful baby girl while taking pictures on Monday, and resisted holding her at first because my heart just hurt. After taking some pictures my friend Tamarah and I talked about how long it took her to get pregnant with her first, but how she quickly got pregnant with her second and then third. I know it takes time. That not everyone can just breathe the same air and be pregnant. It's hard to curb the jealousy factor when you want and ache for something so badly. And when there are people out there who say they're going to start trying and then wah-lah they're pregnant. Or when you hear on the news about parents murdering their children. And I'm trying everything I can to get pregnant. Or when you know someone in real life who would choose a man over their own children, and would much rather have someone else raise their babies. That hurts me.
With all of the above being said...I have my appointment with the RE on Friday. I'm ready to get started with this but I'm also so scared that there will be something wrong.
Anyway this is just the first post (of I'm sure many) in this new journey that Jason and I are getting ready to go through. So if you could, please keep us in your thoughts, and prayers that God will bless us with a child of our own.